Episode 28 - “Was It Good For You?”
Carrie wonders, “How do you know if you’re good in bed?” This seems to be a problem for most people in this world, myself included. I need a gauge, something to rate me on a scale of one to Johnny Castle.
Personally, when I have sex with someone, I get a list of all her previous sexual partners. Then, I fly them in. (It takes a lot of scheduling and rescheduling but it’s worth it for the results.) I have them sit in chairs around the bed and as the woman and I make love, she points to those I surpass and they are asked to leave. When it is over, the number of guys left determines how good I was.
I like to get over eighty percent clearance of the room. If she has slept with five men before me, there better be no more than one left when we’re done. If she has slept with ten men before me, then she’s a slut and I don’t want anything to do with her. Basically, it’s over eighty percent or I didn’t bring my A game.
I know what you’re thinking. What do you do with virgins? Simply, I don’t. I know there’s a mystique to the untouched down-there place on a woman but not to me. I like a woman that’s been around the block a few times (Not several. Get a bigger block if you feel the need for more laps, whore.) and knows where a penis goes. Seriously, have you ever been with a virgin? You can stick it in her armpit and she’ll just go, “So this is what it’s like? I don’t know what I was so scared of.” Me either, moron.
I’m a Carrie because I, too, have seen the ugliness of having someone addicted to me sexually.
