Episode 18 - “The Cheating Curve”
Charlotte dates a guy that she catches kissing another woman while they’re out together. He tells her that it’s just kissing, meaning that it’s not cheating. This begins a question of what constitutes cheating. In my opinion, cheating is any time my wife is within fifty feet of another person regardless of gender. (She has a lot of explaining to do when she gets home every day.) There are loopholes to this:
1. She imagines everyone within fifty feet of her is me. I offered to pay to have my face tattooed on the inside of her eyelids so she could close her eyes when walking through a crowd but she declined. I guess it would be rather painful. On top of that, it’s not right to stifle imagination. The eyelid tattoos would always portray me the same way and I want to allow her the freedom to imagine me however she wants. (Though I prefer anything that makes me look like I was in the movie, “Troy.”)
2. She says my name over and over as she walks down the street. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. This really helps her stay focused on me except when she actually passes someone named Kevin. Then, it’s awkward. When this happens, she’s supposed to punch that Kevin in the face and walk briskly away while singing “Ain’t No Other Man” by Christina Aguilera as loud as she can.
3. She dresses shoddy, holds a bottle of Olde English in a paper bag, and curses like a porn star with Tourette’s. This doesn’t need an explanation because I trust her completely in this state.
I’m a Charlotte because I once had to tell a lesbian that I was straight, too, but I don’t know why it was relevant, looking back.