Episode 13 - “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”
Carrie starts the second season still grieving over the end of her relationship with Big. This leads her to come up with 5 rules to abide by to get over a break-up. Her rules are right on. Especially, “Don’t go to the stores.” I know the pull of buying expensive clothes after a rough break-up. I bought four pairs of purple Z. Cavariccis after a particularly bad one in the seventh grade. I would just weep for hours while also noticing how much room there was for my thighs. Still, I think Carrie missed some rules.
1. Murder Your Ex – Nothing gets you over a person than their lack of existence. Sure, you might still love the person but time heals all wounds and hiring a hitman is a quick way to move the clock forward. It’s like Daylight Saving Time with a sprinkle of homicide. Some of you might be in a blind rage and want to do the killing yourselves. It’s best to keep a cool head and hire a professional. No sense moving on with your life just to get life. Am I right readers? (Extends hand for high five)
2. Murder People That Look Like Your Ex – There’s nothing worse than an ex’s doppelganger. You spend all that money killing your real ex and then you’re walking down the street and there’s someone that looks just like them. Your heart’s beating and you think you saw a ghost. Upon further inspection, you realize it’s not your ex. Of course it isn’t, they’re dead. (See step one.) However, you don’t want to have to go through that again. First, put the hitman on speed dial. Then, every time you see anyone even remotely looking like your ex, snap a quick pic and send it to the hitman. Even better, keep the hitman by your side at all times and simply point at the look-alike.
3. Rob A Casino – I know what you’re thinking. Where did that come from? Murdering people is one thing but stealing is a whole different animal. Here’s the thing: After a break-up, your mind is in an irrational state where a lot of people on the street are going to look like your ex. That’s going to be a lot of murders you’re paying for. Where’s all this money coming from? Exactly. Robbing a casino is ideal. They have a lot of money that seems fairly easy to get to. After you get all that casino loot, you can sell your story to Steven Soderbergh for Ocean’s Fourteen. That’s even more money right there.
4. Murder Steven Soderbergh – Soderbergh now knows you were the one behind the casino robbery. This was your fault for telling him but he can’t be trusted. From what I understand, he has loose lips. Better sink his ship before he sinks yours.
The list can go on but that should be enough to get you started on the road to recovery. It’s a long process but you’ll get through it.
I’m a Carrie because I wouldn’t be able to date a New York Yankee either.
