Episode 10 - “The Baby Shower”
Carrie has a scare with being pregnant which leads her to wonder if she can be a parent and still stay who she is. I’d like to get deep for a moment. You can still live the same life and have a baby. You just can’t live the same life and be a parent. Deep, right?
The average amount of time it takes a parent to return to their pre-baby lifestyle is eighteen years.1 Hypothetically, the fastest a parent can get back to that life is three years. This requires potty training by two weeks, walking after four weeks, and then thirty-five months of teaching the difference between right and wrong and maybe some cooking tips. Unfortunately, the closest anyone’s come to that is five years and that was somewhere in Asia.2
Babies are life vampires, sucking the spirit out of once happy people. The sacrifices alone have to put you somewhere in the neighborhood of Gandhi or Jesus.3 They take up all of your time and all of your money. You lose sleep and there’s no gratitude on their part. I hate when people say to me, “How can you be so cruel? It’s like a little person.” Well, you know what, we already have little people and they give back a whole lot more to society than poopie diapers. So, I’ll ask you not to offend little people by calling babies the same thing.
My wife and I aren’t ready to have kids (if you can’t tell). We’re not going to rush because some biological clock is ticking and if that means my wife gives birth to some premature, mentally retarded, half baby with Down Syndrome at the age of 47 then let me start rooting for the top half. We want a baby with a head. Legs aren’t important.
For this one, I was a Miranda because I think people with babies act like they’re in a cult as well.
1 – Statistic based on random words found in my head
2 – More random words
3 – Not the Gandhi or Jesus you’re thinking of. This is about Ed Gandhi and Roger Jesus. They were the guys that tested the Slip ‘n Slide in its early stages. They endured so many slide burns so that we can slip and slide with minor injuries. Unfortunately, we lost these heroes when they were testing the first Crocodile Mile which irresponsibly had a real crocodile at the end of the track. This blog salutes you.
