January 2011
1 post
Recess Comedy Show: 1/24 Line Up →
recesscomedy:
Fun show this coming Monday. $3 Bud + $5 Bud and a shot.
J-L Cauvin - He has appeared on the Late Late Show w/ Craig Ferguson. Check it out.
Claudia Cogan - She’s appeared on Last Comic Standing and she also has a website you can check out for more info.
Kevin Tor - He has…
August 2008
3 posts
Episode 00 - "I Give Up!"
At no point do I want to imply that “Sex and the City” is a bad show. I just can’t stand watching it. It’s not for me. If you are one of my five readers, you may have noticed (seriously, thanks for noticing) that my updates have considerably gone down in frequency. (I’m averaging one episode per week.)
I genuinely dread hitting play on the DVD. I don’t want to do it. Maybe their issues with dating...
Episode 35 - "No Ifs, Ands, Or Butts"
Carrie wonders what are the deal breakers in a relationship. What is it about a new potential partner that screams there’s no future for us and we must end it immediately? I have forty-three deal breakers, myself. They range from the basic no smoking (unless it’s describing yo ass in dem jeans) to the more unique no using Vinnie Delpino’s name in vain. (Do you know how hard it is to have Doogie’s...
Episode 34 - "Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl"
Carrie wonders if the opposite sex has become obsolete in a world where men can be with men and women can be with women. Medically, no. Biologically, also no. However, for the purposes of this blog, let’s imagine it has. The following is a eulogy addressed to a room full of straight men:
Who needs women? Am I right fellas? Those collective groans of confusion will be taken as a “Yes, you are...
July 2008
13 posts
Episode 33 - "Attack Of The 5'10" Woman"
Carrie wonders if there are women in New York who are there just to make other women feel bad about themselves? Yes. And I put them there. Suck it, opposite sex.
I’m a Charlotte because I think there’s stuff wrong with my perfect body, too.
Episode 32 - "Politically Erect"
Miranda makes a pro and con list about Steve in which the pros ultimately win because he tells her he loves her. Super. Why do we make pro and con lists for people? It didn’t work on Friends for Ross when he was torn between Julie and Rachel and it probably won’t work here for Miranda and Steve (I hope I’m wrong).
A pro and con list can’t go well. Let’s say you have a child. Six years old. Pros:...
Episode 31 - "Where There's Smoke..."
Charlotte makes the statement leading Carrie to wonder if deep down, all women just want to be rescued. An increasing number of women are strong, independent, and some other adjective meaning uppity and a threat to men. But do they still regress to that childhood fantasy of being a princess and wanting a white (meaning good, not Caucasian) knight to come rescue them?
Who cares? What about me?...
Episode 30 - "Ex And The City"
Carrie wonders whether you can be friends with an ex. The simple answer is no. As a stereotypical male, there is no reason to remain friends with an ex. Friendship is a means to an end. Once you get that end, you’re finished. It’s like buying a tub of butter. Sure, all of those dinner rolls were good but who wants to keep an empty woman? For argument’s sake, let’s say you...
Episode 29 - "Twenty-Something Girls vs...
Carrie wonders if twenty-something girls are a friend or a foe. This is a tricky one for me to comment on. I am twenty-nine and a guy so for the purposes of this entry, I have to be a woman in my thirties. It is really the only way to seriously approach this topic.
My name is Eloise. I am a French prostitute. My story is one of sadness. My childhood was spent in a foster home where the nuns were...
Episode 28 - "Was It Good For You?"
Carrie wonders, “How do you know if you’re good in bed?” This seems to be a problem for most people in this world, myself included. I need a gauge, something to rate me on a scale of one to Johnny Castle.
Personally, when I have sex with someone, I get a list of all her previous sexual partners. Then, I fly them in. (It takes a lot of scheduling and rescheduling but it’s worth it for the results.)...
Episode 27 - "Shortcomings"
Carrie dates a guy that has problems with premature ejaculation. I don’t think premature ejaculation is a problem that lies solely with the man. Is it really his fault that a woman excites him that much?* The answer is no. The woman is just as responsible, if not completely, for making sure he doesn’t prematurely ejaculate. Here are some things you can do as a woman to make amends:
Foreplay has to...
Episode 26 - "The Fuck Buddy"
This blogger wants to apologize for the language being used in the title and for the rest of the entry. The term “Fuck Buddy” is a clinical term for a partner that you have a sexual relationship with and nothing more. Being the proper terminology, I can’t change it and, therefore, must use it. That being said, a fuck buddy is great. There’s something to be said for someone...
Episode 25 - "Games People Play"
Carrie wonders if games are necessary to make a relationship work. My wife and I play Boggle a lot but that’s not what she means. No, these games are tests like waiting three days to call a girl after a good date or knocking a girl up and leaving the country to see if Miss Preggers will follow. (If she does, you should father up.*) Instead of a test, some guys choose to lie but I don’t...
Episode 24 - "La Douleur Exquise!"
Carrie wonders how you know when enough is enough in a relationship. How much pain is it worth going through to be with someone? I have a high tolerance for pain so I can take a lot. I remember this one girl that I went out with for a few months. One night, she told me I was the best sex she ever had. That night, after cuddling, I went home and cried for hours. Why wasn’t I the best sex...
Episode 23 - "Evolution"
Miranda is diagnosed with a lazy ovary. This means that one of her ovaries is not producing eggs anymore. Therefore, she only makes a new egg every two months. I am similarly afflicted. I have a lazy body causing me to only produce good work every other month.
As someone who took one year of Pre-Med in college, I learned that a man’s whole body is what makes him a man whereby a woman is basically...
Episode 22 - "The Caste System"
Carrie wonders if it’s possible to date outside of your caste (or class). This should be right up my alley as someone that is unemployed and stays at home while his wife works a well-paying job. However, I think it would be better to look at this through untainted eyes. For the purposes of this entry, I am not married and never have been. Also, I’m bagillionaire.
As a bagillionaire, it’s very hard...
Episode 21 - "Old Dogs, New Dicks"
I have a wandering eye. I admit it. “Hi, my name is Kevin and blah blah blah.” There’s nothing wrong with looking at another woman. It allows you to pick out the things you wish were better about your wife or girlfriend. What’s wrong with wanting to better your significant other? Maybe a firmer behind or a different hairstyle. That’s all I’m saying. Or a larger chest. And nicer clothes that reveal...
June 2008
11 posts
Episode 20 - "The Man, The Myth, The Viagra"
Carrie wonders if we are willing to believe anything to go out on dates.
Here is a list of things that I have told women:
I’m a Belgian Duke (don’t even know if they have those)
I went to Julliard for ballet
I coined the phrase “wiggle room”
I’m a good listener and, no, I’m not watching the game on the TV over your right shoulder
I live by the Aztec calendar which affords me more ...
Episode 19 - "The Chicken Dance"
Let me set a scene for you:
The year was 1985. I was at a baseball card show in Wall, New Jersey. It was a big day as two of New York baseball’s finest players were going to be in attendance: Keith Hernandez of the New York Mets and Dave Winfield of the New York Yankees. I got on line for each player with hopes of having some cards signed. I brought my 1985 Topps Keith Hernandez and my 1984...
Episode 18 - "The Cheating Curve"
Charlotte dates a guy that she catches kissing another woman while they’re out together. He tells her that it’s just kissing, meaning that it’s not cheating. This begins a question of what constitutes cheating. In my opinion, cheating is any time my wife is within fifty feet of another person regardless of gender. (She has a lot of explaining to do when she gets home every day.)...
Episode 17 - "Four Women and a Funeral"
In this episode, a person dies young and that gets the women worrying about dying alone. Well, every woman but Samantha because she’s a whore. (Watch the episode. That’s her self-description.) I don’t mean to get depressing on you but almost everyone dies alone. The chances of being with the person that you love at the time you pass are so low. Besides, why would you want to put the person that...
Episode 16 - "They Shoot Single People, Don't...
Carrie wonders if women are faking more than just orgasms to be in a relationship. Do women settle just to get married? I look at my wife. She’s a smart, beautiful, successful lawyer and I’m an unemployed, wannabe comedian with all my facial features in the right places. That last sentence would lead you to believe that she settled but what if I told you that my mom up until the day I...
Episode 15 - "The Freak Show"
Carrie asks the question, “Are all men freaks?” Dictionary.com defines a freak as:
1. A person who has withdrawn from normal, rational behavior and activities to pursue one interest or obsession
I was on a train recently and the person in the seat behind me was talking rather loudly on the phone with his “bro.” He asked the bro about his girl and whether she was coming to some party that night....
Episode 14 - "The Awful Truth"
Carrie wonders whether there are certain things that you should never say in a relationship. In other words, is it ok to lie to your better half? There is nothing to wonder. You should always tell the truth. Always. Not expecting that answer? So the guy with a troll wife and public wife can’t be a good person? The guy that told you to test whether you had hand in a relationship by threatening to...
Episode 13 - "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"
Carrie starts the second season still grieving over the end of her relationship with Big. This leads her to come up with 5 rules to abide by to get over a break-up. Her rules are right on. Especially, “Don’t go to the stores.” I know the pull of buying expensive clothes after a rough break-up. I bought four pairs of purple Z. Cavariccis after a particularly bad one in the seventh grade. I would...
Episode 12 - "Oh Come All Ye Faithful"
Carrie breaks up with Big because he can’t tell her that she’s the one for him. Women are wack! I hate to get all Kid ‘n Play on this but it must be said. There comes a point in every relationship where you either poo or get off the pot. Not coincidentally, it’s always the woman that’s responsible for putting you in this toilet analogy situation. I guess they would be the undercooked chicken or...
Episode 11 - "The Drought"
Carrie and Big get to the point in their relationship where they sleep together at night without having sex. I suppose this is where I, the married guy, will say, “Sleeping together without sex. You know what I call that? Every day!” But I’m not going to do that. I think it’s important to reach that point where you are so comfortable with another person that you can simply be yourself and not...
Episode 10 - "The Baby Shower"
Carrie has a scare with being pregnant which leads her to wonder if she can be a parent and still stay who she is. I’d like to get deep for a moment. You can still live the same life and have a baby. You just can’t live the same life and be a parent. Deep, right? The average amount of time it takes a parent to return to their pre-baby lifestyle is eighteen years.1 Hypothetically, the fastest a...
Episode 9 - "The Turtle and the Hare"
Carrie wonders if it’s always better to marry someone that loves you more than you love them. Of course it is. What’s to wonder? There was an episode of “Seinfeld” where they showed that it is important to have hand in a relationship. There’s no bigger hand than knowing the other person loves you more. It’s like having Shaq’s hand (cause it’s big). ...
May 2008
9 posts
Episode 8 - "Three's a Crowd"
Carrie and the ladies discuss threesomes (the sex kind). I have never been in a threesome but I’ve seen the movie “Wild Things” four times so I know a thing or two about Kevin Bacon’s penis. Wait. Threesomes. Right. There are three kinds of threesomes a man can engage in. The first being three guys. Straight men hate this one but it still counts as a threesome if you go...
Episode 7 - "The Monogamists"
Carrie asks whether men have an innate aversion to monogamy. As a prototypical man, I would like to weigh in. Webbster’s Dictionary defines a man as “a human being housing two minds: one in his brain, the other in his penis.” From my experience, my brain mind allows me to function in every day tasks such as driving, making dinner, and writing this blog. My penis mind, mostly,...
Episode 6 - "Secret Sex"
In this episode, Carrie learns about the secret sex partner. This is someone that you are embarrassed to show your friends so you privately date them, even going so far as to take them to secluded restaurants. I take it one step further. It goes beyond dating. As many of you know, I am married to a lovely woman. What many of you don’t know is that the woman I go around town with is not my...
Episode 5 - "The Power of Female Sex"
In this episode, the women discuss whether it is right to sleep with someone to get what you want. Would you? Picture this: You are married to the most amazing woman in the world. For sake of argument, let’s call her my wife’s name. Now, my wife’s name is very supportive of your comedy career and allows you to work towards it without the worries of paying bills. You have exchanged vows with her...
Episode 4 - "Valley of the Twenty-Something Guys"
Carrie dabbles in the world of guys in their twenties and realizes they are the equivalent of a designer drug. Once you get a taste, you want some more. After a while the taste doesn’t go as far as it used to and the addiction analogy goes on for fifteen more minutes. In the end, Big makes her feel good and at that moment, she makes the assessment that all men are like drugs. That got me...
Episode 3 - "Bay of Married Pigs"
Is there a war going on between married people and single people? As a married person, I would say absolutely. I hate single people. I wish they would all just enter into a legally binding contract signifying devotion to another human being or, what’s the word, die. Yes, I have single “friends” but every minute I spend with them is torture, especially the ones that aren’t in relationships. Do they...
Episode 2 - "Models and Mortals"
We are introduced to the term “modelizer.” A modelizer is someone that exclusively dates models. Contrary to the feelings of the show, I think this practice is fine. In general, I think it is important to limit yourself to dating a certain type of person. The hackneyed question is “What is your type?” after all. For example, I exclusively date my wife. My wife is my type and since she is a unique...
Episode 1 - "Sex and the City"
Hello, soon-to-be faithful readers. The pilot episode begins with what I assume to be the trademark narration that Carrie Bradshaw brings to every episode. The whole point of this episode is to not only introduce the ladies of the series (Miranda is reminiscent of a slightly more attractive Dave Foley) but to introduce the tone. Women are important and their contributions to life should be...